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meganq [userpic]

New Year; New Blog

January 4th, 2008 (04:29 am)

Hello all you fantastic people who still read my blog-

I've decided I needed a new space and I've moved over to WordPress:

Dreams and False Alarms

I hope you continue reading; I intend to keep reading my friends page and keeping up with all of you.

Love, lollipops, and other groovy stuff,

Megan

meganq [userpic]

Dreams and False Alarms

December 21st, 2007 (03:17 am)
current mood: awake

Oh my. My sleep schedule is an art form. I slept from 8:30p last night until about an hour ago and I'm awake but I don't have to leave to go to work with my mom until 5:45a. I intend to finish my grad school applications today and celebrate by traipsing around Philadelphia and buying things for people.

I've decided that I am moving my blog at the turn of the new year. I have also decided that my hesitation to fill out the year-in-review survey is silly, so I'm going to do it now as I wait for my mom to take her shower. I realize a lot of things can change in last ten days of this year, but most of the year has passed and I would like to start the cadence right now.

year in reviewCollapse )

meganq [userpic]

Flying Buttresses

December 19th, 2007 (12:20 am)

It's just tonight that I've realized how lucky I am to have a life filled with such brilliant babes; brilliant in terms of emotional intelligence and artistic veracity; brilliant in the way we cut each other open and grow past each other in oddly divided parts only to catch up again, sometimes with nothing to say in between. Even when there's nothing to say, we hold on with a tenacity that represents a reverence for our past and an excitement for the present; a reverence for what we have learned from each other as well as from other people. These people may just peer into my life for an instant before they realize the magnitude of my bravado, the sheer challenge of remaining near me when I have an emotional or spiritual problem stirring in my mind. They may be the ones who hold on in silence as creativity breezes by me, untouched and untapped. I would be something less powerful without this careful community that surrounds me like a separate organism; that rises, falls, and changes like a breath.

Here, Champagne-tipsy, home in Pennsylvania, I am thankful for the energy at work within my life. For the patient, incredible, changing people in Idaho, Pennsylvania, and elsewhere who remind me that love, strength, and change, even in the most abstract terms, are not only possible but probable. I am thankful for the growing strength inside me; the wild power to feed off of new energy and to learn to face life alone.

meganq [userpic]

self-referential

December 14th, 2007 (12:59 am)
current mood: accomplished

I feel like I've outgrown this blog, or at very least I should change its name. I've always been insistent that this remain a record of who I've been before, but it feels too small to contain who I am now.

I know I am imbuing this journal and its past with that power, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it staying powerful.

Molly bought me Sera Beak's The Red Book for Christmess, and I would recommend it to anyone trying to integrate spirituality into their life. Even in times of religious disillusion and cynicism I have tried to remain open to whatever the force is that binds all living things together. I've used the label as "agnostic" to mean "searching," and Beak's book is written in such a manner that it can guide anyone willing through their own search.

And I feel invigorated. I feel like I found what I set out to find these past weeks, but the outcome is hardly concrete; it wasn't meant to be. I have found a new process, a new search...the uncertainty surrounding me is finally the exciting sort of terrifying, and I'm finally ready to make some new marks.

I guess the conclusion I wanted to come to is that while I have to be much more disciplined the next six weeks, I also have to be much more...alive. I have to honestly confront my fears and desires and work through them rather than escape them. I have to mold my honors project into something I like to do. Still, I have to take time, I have to be mindful of what happens when I multitask, when I don't chew each bite. I must sing. I must keep taking walks. I must keep celebrating my life. I must keep hoping for something larger than myself.

: I wrote this on October 29th. I set my intention and found my way through it.

: I love changing the energy around me in small ways. I don't know how I forgot how extraordinary breaking a pattern feels. Which is in part why I think I want to make a huge change to either the name of this journal, or to move this blog all together. I will keep writing; I need to; I just need a "how" and "where"...

meganq [userpic]

post-drunk.

November 24th, 2007 (11:47 am)
tired

current location: SLC
current mood: tired

I'm at the Salt Lake Airport. Yesterday's eyeliner is tucked into my fingernails and creases under my eyes. I'm sure I look like an exquisite mess, but I was one in Philadelphia, still drunk from a night of dancing poorly in bars when a cab found me nearly a half an hour after I needed one.

In an effort to take care of myself in larger ways over the past few weeks, I have failed to take care of my body or to exercise my impulse control. My goal is to be mindful of how I treat my body and my mind until New Year's, when I am likely to craft some resolutions that echo this. I will never perfectly march to my intentions, but I have to know what they are in order to follow them.

This is the time of year that I like my body the least. My dad would always get depressed around Christmas, and either I learned this from him, or it's genetic. I don't care much for holidays.

...but I want to transform this familiar feeling, make the holidays my own, something to celebrate. I want to like how I feel, accept what comes out of my mouth, accept my body...

These next two weeks have to be active, stuffed with mindfulness and intention:
I will take walks.
I will eat foods that provide energy.
I will finish my work.
I will dance (even if poorly).
I will make holiday cards and presents for my friends.
I will sleep.
I will break this
destructive pattern.

meganq [userpic]

this perspective is brutal(ly honest)

November 19th, 2007 (02:01 am)

I made the excellent decision to get stoned tonight and now that I have been forced to face my mind from another perspective I feel sad. It's a frustrated sad born from uncertainty. I could have had certainty, but when they best thing about the certainty is the fact that it is certain, it's time to reconsider. I wish I didn't have to reconsider, I wish it would have been easy to stay and at least know everyday what anxieties I would be facing, what disappointments. I wish we would have been perfect, or at least as wonderful as I had our future drawn in my mind, but no matter how much love is there, in whatever state it's in, it cannot change that things were never going to resemble some of my deepest desires or some of my expectations.

The hardest part of this for me is knowing that this DOES, in fact, make sense, and this ache is part of it. It wouldn't make sense for me to end a relationship that I have been working on, living within, thriving alongside, and NOT feel devastated. Molly is my best friend and losing that...I don't want to imagine a life without sharing things with her.

I'm trying to frame this new uncertainty as something positive, but the truth is that I don't know what I want and it's going to be hard and painful to figure it out. I may have great friends, but it's going to be a cold, solitary process. And sometimes I just need the hugs and the body close to mine allowing me to feel like I can be pushed through this, cheered on and supported though writing and creating music and creating art in a place I have grown to find stifling.

And right now, I just want someone to come lie besides me, put their hands on my shoulder and reassure me that it was okay to make this decision and that I am still loved.

I am afraid.

meganq [userpic]

ch-ch-ch--

November 16th, 2007 (12:56 am)

and it's like this: my body is rebelling against the purposeful changes I'm making to accompany the natural ones. My middle-voice, running-out-of-breath vibrato has snuck back in after months of thwarting it. I try to write journal entries that are vulnerable and meaningful and the effort to do so kills the genuine openness. There's something so artificial about going into something with the intent of being honest and open because then the honesty is constructed and not urgent or fresh or...

I broke up with Molly. I needed to, and I'm not going to lie and deny this overwhelming sense of relief. I feel good about making a difficult choice; I feel horrible about hurting my best friend. I don't really know what else to say about this; it's too personal for this space. I just really want Molly to be okay, and for me to be okay, and this was a purposeful change I needed to make.

I want to change my livejournal name.

I just need to let go, let my voice be what it is, let my writing be what it is even if it is too chatty or whatever its flaws are.

meganq [userpic]

(no subject)

November 11th, 2007 (02:44 pm)

Oh shit.

I'm Not Okay.

(Time to go out for tea but maybe more later?)

meganq [userpic]

I'll be in Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving.

November 9th, 2007 (01:06 am)
pensive

current mood: pensive
current song: top of the world- patti griffin

and on the phone, my mom said, "What I really wonder is how we got here-- how we got to this point where something like this could happen. I will be fifty in December and the things that I'm hurt over that feel like they happened yesterday happened almost nine years ago..."

There is a half-siamese cat laying at the foot of my bed. She is not mine, but she wouldn't leave. I was annoyed that she was let in at first, but now her purring is kind of comforting. Ryan, Molly, and Nick all just left, and now it's just me and the cat and the Patty Griffin cd Ryan got me for my birthday.

And this feeling that results from not knowing how we got here, either. My pap died on Sunday and my Aunt Cathy sent my sister Marie an email to let her know. No one else in my family received word at all until Cathy called Marie to make sure she got the email. Marie called all of us. There will be no funeral.

I understand respecting someone's wishes-- he didn't want a funeral. Honestly, if anything I understand his life "philosophy" more than those that call for elaborate ceremony at the end. Still, I want an excuse to come home, to see my sisters and brother. Also, while I may question the value of a funeral in the present, I've never dealt with death without one...

On my walk today I couldn't avoid the leaves covering everything. Caldwell is more colorful than it has been the three previous autumns. I couldn't avoid thinking about how in autumn everything dies, but it is also a rebirth. I want to think of these deaths, these changes as a rebirth, a renaissance for my family. My dad and his dad may be dead, but my siblings and I are figuring out how precious we are to one another. We are figuring out the kind of adults we want to be, what kind of relationships we want to have, what we aren't willing to compromise.

Blood. I wanted to say something about blood, about relations, something poignant but I don't remember.

I need to back up from this for a moment. I need to take tomorrow to think, but not just to think, but to feel, feel what's been bubbling since June or August or yesterday.

What am I going to make of this rebirth? (Where am I going? How did I get here...)

meganq [userpic]

my gipson project blog

November 6th, 2007 (02:00 am)

http://tapesherregrets.blogspot.com/

LiveJournal would have been more convenient, but I felt drawn to a new home.

Feel free to stop in and experience some honors project goodness.

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