roots and ends

in my dreams i keep shaving my head and i don't know if this is because my subconscious is revealing a release in inhibitions or if i'm simply dissatisfied with my hair.

my hair is in an awkward spot, and so is my body. i feel enormous and disconnected from my limbs. it was best when molly forced me to stop weighing myself and i still had yoga in my system and i didn't spend whole days binge eating for emotional reasons. i need to get back there in the next two days, before kristen and i go to boston.

i've spent the past two days with jamie, together and separately. he watched oz and i read middlesex and mailed away my childhood treasures for an income. the space in the room between erin mckeown and eventual silence made us both strangely sad, so i let him sleep in my bed with gus. i collapsed on john's unused bed. tonight we continued binge eating and went to dinner at the adobe cafe in roxborough. they have the best vegan cheese ever and their seitan is perfectly tender. after talking about jesus and the landscape of idaho we went to see happy endings, which turned out to be a heartfelt film. it made me miss molly a lot more than i already did because i could empathize with the characters, with their long kisses and tom arnold pushing his fingers through maggie gyllenhall's short hair.

that is one of the best reasons i like to wear my hair short, just to feel her fingers push it in moments of passion; to feel sweat and fingertips and kisses on my bare neck.

ani difranco was amazing but i wasn't as overwhelmed as i usually get at concerts. erin mckeown, even at her small stature, took up more space in the room than ani. i have been listening to her vinyl nonstop since i've been home. i expected too much of ani; people make her out to be this untouchable goddess and her concert was exceptional, but she didn't float from the stage and touch every audience member. i was sad that she didn't play "educated guess" or any earlier songs except "32 flavors", which is, well, "32 flavors". her guitar was out of tune for two of the songs and she almost seemed somewhere else. her hands must have hurt.

still, she's ani fucken difranco, and it was nice to be there with molly and so many other people i love. i'm glad jessica got to go, too, even if she missed a lot because of the issues at hand.

the head shaving dream is more than likely a result of feeling like i had to close up a little in front of jessica, and i don't know why i felt like that. i guess i didn't want my words and ideas to wound her more than she is already wounded. still, she is a kickass woman and i should have moved the hair from my mouth before saturday night.

i may be dissatisfied with my hair but my words are finally naked.